humor

Daddy-O

Posted on by nyweenies

After 30 or so hot dog blogs, one would think that this craft would get boring. Well, one… you are wrong! There is always something new and exciting out there, especially in the wonderful town of New York City. This time, it’s a pure, unadulterated, uncured, unsmoked concoction of pork, beef, and veal. It’s Tom Cruise in a sauna. It’s boiling milk. It’s as if the island of Nantucket went up in flames. It’s a White Hot. They’re from Rochester, they’re delicious, and Daddy-O imports these bad boys from Zweigle’s for our eating pleasure. Hallelujah. Somebody give me an “A-men.”

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The Daddy-O “pop-open” hot dog, topped with Norm’s Beef Hot Sauce, Mustard, and Diced Onions. I don’t know who Norm is, hopefully Norm MacDonald, but whoever he is, he made some epic sauce. The mustard is not my favorite French’s yellow, but I’ve gotten used to this fact, and I’m pretty sure most New Yorkers will disagree with my preference anyway. The spicy brown accompanies the hot sauce well. After the mustard and hot sauce comes the onions. Normally I am against onions on a dog, but here they compliment the other strong flavors with grace. There aren’t so many that I am drowning in a Vidalia tear pool, but there are enough for an onion fan to enjoy. The toppings are on point, Daddy-O. Well done.

The best part of the dog however, is the dog itself. White hots are awesome. Kudos to Zweigle’s for producing a very high quality sausage. The only reason they are white is their uncured nature, which many may find appealing. They’re all natural. That’s trendy these days. Sure, they don’t have Kale, quinoa, and coconut oil, but this is about as close as you’ll get to vegan or healthy with me. (Sorry “by Chloe,” we eat real food here.) The folks at Daddy-O char grill the sausage to perfection, leaving a juicy, savory wiener inside a decently toasted bun. White hots tend to be bigger than other wieners as well (although this may not be true in other aspects of life), so this particular dog was very filling and could certainly be a meal. You also have the option to go for a normal frankfurter from Zweigle’s if trying the white hot isn’t your thing. However, doing so would be lame and uncouth. This is the first white hot I’ve seen in the city and it’s incredible. Go eat it. Don’t be uncouth.

4.25 weenies

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Tell me you’re not hungry. You won’t.

P.S. I hope everyone had a weenie on opening day. Baseball basically exists for hot dogs, not the other way around. Sooooo, there’s that. Wieners for the pennant!

Cheers

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Cart on 42nd and 5th Avenue – Sabrett

Posted on by nyweenies

Somebody had to do it. Many citizens of New York see hot dog carts as a Zika rash on the skin of Manhattan. I see them much differently. I see leopard spots, snow within a snow globe, Marisa Miller’s freckles, and Mikhail Gorbachev’s bald-headed birthmark all rolled into one. I see hard working Americans trying to make a dollar and in doing so making other hard working Americans happier. That’s what life is all about, folks. So get out there and support your local hot dog cart. I sure do.

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You ain’t nothin’ but a cart dog. That’s what Elvis said in his “Deeper Cuts” album never released to the public. See above a plain and simple cart dog done with class. When you order a dog from the cart, you don’t want to complicate it. Mustard is all you need. Unfortunately, most carts are spicy brown only. Once you can get over this fact, you’re in the clear and will need only to fork over three dollars.

The way I will review the hot dog carts of NYC is fairly simple. Obviously, there is almost no humanly possible way to get to every cart in Manhattan. They are constantly moving, changing ownership, and changing employees. Any normal human would be driven insane. This is why I will go to every cart that serves a different type of hot dog or is run by a different company. I this particular instance, the weenie was a Sabrett – “The Frankfurter New Yorkers Relish.” 0.5 points just for that slogan.

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This particular dog did not have a toasted bun, nor was the sausage grilled. Yes, this was a classic “dirty water dog”. This means that they boiled the wiener. Of course, a grilled wiener is much more desirable than a boiled wiener. It only makes sense. Then, my server man was very liberal with the mustard, which I will never complain about, until it gets on my jacket. It got on my jacket, ladies and gentleman. I’ll have a stain there for years. People will make fun of me because of the attendant of this hot dog cart. That’s not a good look. I tried to lick it off of my jacket, but that’s a far worse look. Don’t lick your jacket.

2.75 weenies

Yes, I may have given this more weenies than most would have predicted given my comments above. However, please note, I will always support the fact that I can grab a hot dog on the side of the street at any time of the day or night with three measly dollars. Most ATM fees in New York are three dollars. If you give a homeless man on the street three dollars, he will think you’re being stingy. Three dollars is laughable. Three dollars, however, could also be the highlight of your day in the form of a magnificent, golden painted hot dog from a NYC hot dog cart. Thank you, NYC cart vendors, thank you.

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P.S. I have business cards now thanks to Mike. How sweet is that?! 2 legit 2 quit. Follow the Instagram and send suggestions to nyweenies@gmail.com.

Cheers

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Crimson & Rye

Posted on by nyweenies

Move over Kobe, your time is up. I’m glad you’re retiring, because there’s a new beef in the house. What’s up Wagyu! Sure, Wagyu doesn’t sound as good as Kobe, look as good as Kobe, or win championships as well as Kobe. However, Wagyu can stuff himself inside of an intestine and make a damn good hot dog. For those completely confused by my bizarre metaphor, I was lucky enough to enjoy a Wagyu beef hot dog from Crimson & Rye. Kobe beef is another type of beef from Japan known to be the highest quality. Wagyu is good too, just not as good as Kobe. But, Kobe is retiring, so… *balls up a piece of paper, shoots into the trash can*… Wagyu!

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Yes, that’s what they’re servin’ up at Crimson and Rye. That there is a tantalizing concoction of Wagyu goodness. On top of this wiener is a semi-spicy relish, sauteed onions, and a beautiful whole grain mustard sauce. All of this is enclosed in a preposterously gorgeous potato bun unlike any I’ve ever had. The flavors that the toppings add here are quite strong, but luckily they work well together.  Imagine Eddie Murphy, Christopher Walken, and Christian Bale are forced into a room together. Sure, there is going to be a lot going on since they are all big personalities, and something bad may happen, but it will definitely be exciting.

The foundation of the dog is solid. What else is solid? Oh I don’t know, diamonds, steel, and Stone Cold Steve Austin’s abs. That’s not bad company to be in. The sausage is really good, but not quite what I expected Wagyu to be. If a cut of beef has a specific, commonly used name, it should be pretty awesome right? Yes, it was very good, but it wasn’t stellar. The dog was big, beefy, and flavorful, but had no snap and had a pink color that I just couldn’t get behind. I couldn’t tell how the dog was cooked, but I am pretty sure it wasn’t grilled so I wasn’t a huge fan of its preparation. Regardless, it was still amazing, I just have to find something to complain about or else this wouldn’t be interesting.

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Epic weenie. The mustard relish combo is traditional. I like traditional because it works. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Well done Crimson & Rye.

4.25 weenies

Fun fact time for the readers. Crimson and Rye is in the Lipstick Building. The Lipstick Building formerly hosted one Bernie Madoff. Bernie Madoff formerly stole a whole lot of people’s money in an elaborate Ponzi scheme. What do Bernie Madoff and I have in common? We are both thieves. He is a thief because he stole people’s money, and I am a thief because I stole your time. You just read about a hot dog for a few minutes. You could have been reading the news. Good choice, the news stinks. Thanks for reading.

Cheers

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Copenhagen Street Dog Winter Championship

Posted on by nyweenies

Well boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time I write a review as a VIP. This is the first time that I am a member of the press. That’s right, I was allowed access to the second annual Copenhagen Street Dog Winter Hot Dog Championship. What’s included? 3 gourmet hot dogs which are to be voted on by attendees and a winner chosen. Then, unlimited Copenhagen Street Dogs after that. Denmark is bringing a monsoon of wieners to the US and I’m pumped about it. That monsoon will bring rains and high seas and on those high seas will sail a giant wooden shoe full of wieners and beer. God bless Denmark. God bless America.

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First up: She’s Gone Nuts. This is definitely not the most flattering title for the weenie, but I get it, it’s a pun because it has peanuts on it. Here we have pickled red cabbage, crushed peanuts, honey-sriracha mayo and cilantro. This is the simplest of the three gourmet dogs, which is quite titillating because it’s not simple at all! The first bite instantly gave me the experience I was going to be having all day. These sausages are amazing. The Copenhagen Street Dogs have an incredible snap, something I’ve written about before, and a robust flavor profile that I haven’t tasted in American hot dogs. They are top notch. The next experience I get is the bun which is my least favorite part of all three of these wieners. There is simply too much bread, and the bun isn’t very warm. It’s a little baguette-y, and I certainly didn’t come here to have French hot dogs. The Danes are way sweeter than the French and that’s just a fact. The toppings provide a spicy-sweet mix that is quite delectable. My least favorite part of this dog is the peanuts. I love peanuts in general, but I don’t think they have much of a purpose here. They sort of draw attention away from the dog, like Cindy Crawford’s mole. Get rid of it.

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Dog number two: The Dominican Dane. This one is so rare that I didn’t know what two of the ingredients were until I looked them up. Longaniza, fried green plantain flakes, Danish Agurkesalat, and spicy mayo. Agurke-say-what?!! It turns out it is just cucumber salad. And Longaniza, that’s just another kind of sausage, like chorizo. This is a double sausage dog. Epic. This guy has the most spice of the three, and I really like the fried plantains to add just a touch of sweet. The way the spicy mayo and the Longaniza mixed to create this tongue tingling ooze of fatty excellence really made this dog stand out. I’m a massive fan. 10 points for Gryffindor!

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Lastly: The World Fusion Dog. This is definitely the most unique of them all. On this sausage we have a pineapple relish, wasabi mayo, pancetta, and bonito flakes. What is a bonito flake you ask? Oh, not much, just dried, fermented, and smoked tuna. What?! I literally just learned this because I had to look it up. If I knew what this was when eating it I’m sure I would have disliked it much more. I think I’d rather put Fancy Feast for cats on a hot dog than this crap. At least that’s fancy. Oh well, this dog wasn’t bad, but it was my least favorite. They tried too hard here. I liked the wasabi mayo, but it didn’t jive with the pineapple. Pancetta is fun, but it didn’t jive with gross tuna flake-age. It’s like tuna dandruff. Good lord. But, at the end of the day it was still a decent dog overall.

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Above sits the traditional røde pølser. These were great, and we could eat as many as we wanted. The traditional toppings are cucumber, ketchup, mustard, and what appeared to be potato flakes. Excellent. The part that made this stand out from the others is the bun. It was much thinner and toasted with more gusto. Sure, the toppings weren’t as exciting, but the quality was top notch. Check out copenhagenstreetdog.com for more.

So, among the 3 gourmet dogs, who won?

Competition Winner: She’s Gone Nuts

My Winner: The Dominican Dane

Overall weenie review: 4 weenies

Yeah, I disagreed with everyone that voted. You know who else disagreed with the general public, but were right all along?  Galileo. He said the world was round, and the Catholics said it was flat. Rosa Parks. White people told her to sit in the back, and she sat in the front. JFK. Teddy Roosevelt. Miley Cyrus. The Weeknd. Trump. You heard it here first: the Danes are making weenies great again.

Cheers

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Papaya Dog

Posted on by nyweenies

It’s 7:56 PM and I haven’t had dinner yet. I’m fresh off of a bar crawl, getting off the subway to meander to my friend’s apartment. There, on the horizon, shines bright like a diamond, a beacon of hope. For 4 dollars I could devour 2 of my favorite things in the world and be completely full, recharged, and ready for the night. Of course I stop in. In my opinion, you have to be outside of your mind to not stop in. Look at the picture above. It is a paradise of culinary delicacies that one could only hope for in heaven. The best part about this paradise is it won’t cost you any money! This place is literally helping society by providing low cost health plans to the general public. I don’t care how much money you make, you can afford Papaya Dog. Bernie Sanders loves this place.

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Political jokes aside, look at those bad boys. I don’t know about the readers, but I’ll take that image over the SI Swimsuit cover any day. I mean, let’s be honest, Ronda Rousey and the Dove bar soap girl make up two thirds of the covers now. Regardless of your preference, I ordered a nacho cheese and a chili dog. The “nacho” cheese was exactly what I was looking for: melted Kraft singles. The chili, however, had the most appeal, because unlike many other types of hot dog chili, this one had beans. Loads of beans. Let’s take a step back and really take a good look at the bean, or the legume, if you will. It is one of the healthiest, tastiest, most abundant sources of nutrition on the planet. There are many types of beans, all of which peacefully coexist. Kidney beans, pinto beans, black beans, navy beans, and even lima beans, all offer a different flavor and appearance to those lucky enough to consume. In a way, beans are the humans of the earth. This is why we should love them. Any way, I was excited about that bean loaded chili.

The bun is nicely toasted, and the wieners came out quickly. The wieners were hot, and with nowhere to sit I wasted little time diving in. Much like the other rival papaya hot dog joints in the city, the sausage itself is relatively thin, but flavorful. The difference here is the consistency. I felt a little bit like I was eating a slim jim. Now, before that sounds terrible, I love slim jims, obviously, because I love all things cheap and loaded with preservatives. However, it is a negative observation in this case because when compared to the other papaya joints I’ve reviewed (Papaya King and Gray’s Papaya), the sausage just doesn’t compare. The King of the Papaya’s is still the aptly named Papaya King on the Upper East side. But, I will never speak poorly of a place that offers decent cheap dogs at all hours of the day. I have been to Papaya Dog many times before, and I will go again.

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Now, because this is a NY Weenies @ Night edition, I have to tell a story. After I ate the two dogs, I was still hungry because I always seem to be hungry and I had been consuming adult beverages earlier in the day. My friend told me he would buy me a corn dog if, as I ate it, I asked the next person I saw a question. This question had to be, “would you like to taste my wiener?” So, I’d like to apologize to the person on the street I embarrassed that day. Just take solace in the fact that I slathered that corn dog in French’s yellow mustard and downright cherished it. Thank you, stranger.

Cheers

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Cartagena, Colombia Street Dog

Posted on by nyweenies

Believe it or not, I went to Colombia for a vacation with some buddies of mine. The land was beautiful, the architecture vibrant, and the culture friendly and welcoming. Believe it or not, I came back alive and with no effects of Zika. However, only 1 in every 5 people who have Zika show symptoms, and there’s some sort of incubation period, and I was without question bitten by a mosquito… but let’s forget about that. Believe it or not, and this is by far the biggest “believe it or not,” I found a hot dog to review in a foreign land where I spoke almost zero English. Believe.

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I know you can’t see it, but trust me, there is a sausage under there. Although it would be a pretty awesome conspiracy to fake a weenie review in South America, I didn’t have to. I’m looking at you, United States government. Nice “moon landing.” Anyway, I was able to find this weenie on the third night of a four night adventure. When we first arrived in the city of Cartagena, I saw some franks in the super market, even foot-longs which was super exciting. However, I never saw any at restaurants or stands, so I thought I was going to have to grill one myself. “Un perro caliente para mi.” Epic.

But alas, along the corner of the wall near the majestic clock tower at the entrance to the historic walled city, and young man was grilling weenies. After I basically just told him “si, si, si… uhhh, si?” he handed over a weenie unlike any I’d ever had. That is the perfect way to experience a foreign country.

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Look at that bad boy. The amount of bread surrounding the frank basically blocked my ability to taste it. But, it did have some delicious sauces on it. I watched the man put a pink sauce, a red sauces, and a yellow sauce down, then top it off with fried potato bits. My guess is the pink sauce was a mayonnaise-ketchup hybrid. The red sauce had some spice to it, and based on the sauce I received with my empanadas earlier, it was a tomato based hot sauce. Then, the yellow sauce was sadly not mustard. It was tangy and bright, which was odd, and I don’t even know what it added to the sandwich. What a waste of a yellow sauce. I don’t understand how any human could pass up on French’s yellow mustard here. Mind boggling. There’s a huge port in Cartagena, I guarantee they could import it. The potatoes on top were the best part. Crispy, crunchy goodness was gracefully sprinkled like fairy dust on top of this weenie. Si, muy bien.

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The guy above was only trying to take my money, but it made for a good photo. At the end of the day, the Colombia dog was OK. There was too much bread, but the unique sauces were pretty tasty and the potato topping delectable. The actual sausage had no snap or much flavor that I could tell. It probably could have been tofu and I wouldn’t have known. Don’t even get me started on tofu… it won’t be pretty.

2.5 weenies

Sure, it wasn’t the greatest dog, but it was a great experience. Colombia is a wonderful place to travel. Everything is cheap and there are basically no rules. In fact, the hot dog I had cost 4,000 pesos ($1.19), but my buddy Mike’s cost 10,000 pesos ($2.97) and they were identical. Nothing makes sense, but that’s why it is fun. Now there’s a motto to live by.

Cheers

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Lucky’s

Posted on by nyweenies

Red and yellow has never been a good color combination. Its simply too much – too harsh. Who in their right mind would put red and yellow right next to each other? McDonald’s owns that color combination. Someone in marketing decided that was a good idea? Is it supposed to be subliminal messaging? Add the eating smiley face to the mix and it feels like you’re in one of James Bond’s evil villain’s Chinese torture chamber. Quite honestly, the bright colors kept me away from this place, although I’ve seen them all over the city. Then I found out they had hot dogs.

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Not only do they serve hot dogs, but they serve the “Chili Cheese Dog Supreme.” Let me describe how epic of a name that is. They took four of my favorite words, put them in a row, and used them to describe something to eat, which is my favorite thing to do. Why did I ever doubt this place? The weenie came out quickly, piping hot, and the staff was very friendly. The creepy yellow smiley face lights that made up 60 percent of the surface area of the ceiling were definitely not my favorite, but I let it slide once this glorious weenie came into view.

Upon first bite, the first thing I notice is the cheese. This is thick, melted, nacho cheese. It is a little richer than the melted Kraft singles I’ve enjoyed before, and I’m totally OK with it. It goes together quite nicely with the chili all over the dog. In fact, it is nestled within the dog because the dog split in half. Poor dog. Normally, I’m not a split in half kind of guy but in this case there is so much chili and cheese its almost necessary to keep the slop within the bounds of the bun. I shouldn’t call the chili slop – that sounds like something in a pig trough. This chili is a stew of beefy goodness only kings should have access to. If they sold this in cans, my pantry would have already collapsed from the weight of the copious amounts of chili I would buy. If I had an Jewish friend who chose to break Kosher rules one time in his life, I would feed him this chili. Oh, they put some onions on it, too.

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The bun is supportive of its contents, thick, and well-toasted. I’m about 84% sure it is a potato roll, but for some reason I can’t tell because the whole room is yellow from the ceiling lights. I know the frank is a Hebrew National, because it is advertised as such. It is an average sausage, and cutting it in half does always eliminate the snap. However, no snap here is not a problem because the focus was totally on the chili and cheese. I kind of wish there was no onion, but it didn’t hurt the overall taste at all because the chili was so on point. Lucky’s advertises the chili as Angus, so I can infer that it is imported. As an importer/exporter, I can respect the decision to import from Texas here. Hook ’em horns.

3.75 weenies

What just happened? Three quarters of a weenie? That’s right folks, I was so torn here that I brought in the quarter weenie. Behold a revolution. Trust me, it will help in the future when there’s 100 of these reviews, I make a list of the best weenies in NYC, and take over the world. Too much?

Cheers

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Ben’s Kosher Deli

Posted on by nyweenies

I am ferociously dedicated to hot dogs. My devotion to the weenie is undying. Just about 2 hours ago, I walked 20 minutes from work… to a deli I had no enthusiasm for… in 10 degree wind chilled temperatures… alone… simply to eat a hot dog, take pictures of it, and write about it. If I told that to a psychiatrist, I’d be in a straight jacket right now. In fact, I heard about this deli because I’m pretty sure a dude I never met before in an Uber pool told me about it. Thanks, guy. Regardless of the struggle and the insanity, I can honestly tell you all that this was indeed the highlight of my day and I’d like to tell you about it.

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Behold. The frank from Ben’s extremely commercial, Jewish, and Kosher (I guess that’s still Jewish) Deli. Now, you may remember that I wasn’t a fan of another big commercial touristy Jewish deli. (Katz’s Deli) So, I wasn’t incredibly enthused about Ben’s, especially since it is just south of Times Square on 38th and 7th. The place was a little bizarre, and definitely huge and commercial as I feared. However, when I told them I didn’t want to sit down and be waited on, and I only wanted a hot dog at the bar, they looked at me oddly, but were very accommodating. For $9.95 the hot dog comes with a drink, 3 different types of pickles, coleslaw, sauerkraut, and a huge knish. This is an epic deal, especially if you’re poor. A quick side note on the knish: I love this invention. Whichever lovely Jewish man with gorgeous curls invented it must have been a sweetheart.

Let’s get into the weenie details. The dog comes out with ‘kraut on the side and no toppings at all. They only have this odd spicy brown mustard that I’ve never seen, called Gold’s. It is no French’s yellow, but it is pretty good, and I’m a little surprised by it. I applied it with incredible precision, and even added kraut because I was feeling the whole NYC Jewish vibe. The bun is nicely toasted, but maybe a little on the light side, as in I couldn’t see any grill marks or bun browning. That’s a new one: “bun browning.” It sounds like something the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders do as a pre-game warm up routine.

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Anyway, the first bite is marvelous, because the snap in this weenie is next level. You can tell there’s some real intestine on the outside of this bad boy and its glorious. There is a strong, 100% beef flavor, that is the tell-tale sign of a high quality frankfurter. This is a pure hot dog. If you are a plain weenie person, I think this would be on the top of your list. One unfortunate thing that happened to me, however, happened over time. Towards the end of eating the hot dog, I got a little tired of the snap. It was as if there was too much casing, and I had to chew through the sausage. This goes to prove that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Moderation in life is key. I didn’t think it could happen with the snap, but it did. I would definitely recommend this weenie, though. “One flaw a mistake does not make,” Yoda once said.

3.5 weenies

Is eating a hot dog alone at the bar of a huge time square deli sad? Am I a pathetic human being? To the haters I say nay. I say, in the words of Kelly Clarkson, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unfortunately, eating a ton of hot dogs my eventually kill me. Eh. YOLO.

Cheers

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Asiadog

Posted on by nyweenies

New York is huge on its “fusion” restaurants. For example, Jerry said to Jane, “Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe the Italian Tapas Japanese fusion restaurant I went to with Ryan the other day. It was fabulous!” I may not be as enthusiastic as Jerry, but I can get down with fusion. In middle school, I would always mix yellow mustard and mayonnaise to dip my chicken nuggets in. Fusion. White people and hip hop made the Beastie Boys. Fusion. Red wine and white wine mixed together made Rosé. Fusion. Now, a hot dog and Asian cuisine made Asiadog. I can get down with that.

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(Sadly, I had to lie in the previous paragraph. I never actually mixed mustard and mayonnaise, sorry.)

Asiadog has multiple locations. They can be found in Smorgasburg, Berg’N, Madison St. Eats, and others. I found them in their new Midtown location: Urban Space. In the picture above you can see the vast variety of weenies available here. Its super exciting. I’m actually quite sad to announce that I didn’t get the “Wangding”. Next time, I definitely will just because of that name. Instead, I asked for their best dog as always, and the surprisingly educated hot dog fixer said that she couldn’t decide between two. Lucky for me, I didn’t have to feel guilty about getting two. Bring on “The Vinh” and “The Mash”.

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On the right side, standing six foot four, packing 300 pounds of pickled carrot, jalapeno, and pate, the fiercely formidable, Vinh dog! And on the left side, standing five foot three, dragging in crumbs of potato chips from the couch, doused in ketchup in mustard, embarrassing his wife, the sluggishly familiar, Mash dog!

Yes, those were my first impressions. I was taken aback by the abundance of unique toppings adorning the Vinh dog, and rather unimpressed by crumpling potato chips on a hot dog as on the Mash. With time comes change. I went for the Vinh first, as my eager, hungry personality often does. The pickled carrots were delicious, but there were a lot of them. The spice was great, but maybe not enough. The hot dog itself, just like in the Mash, was great. Asiadog prides themselves in their organic sausages. They even offer a chicken dog and a veggie dog. Now, if you ask me neither of those are actually hot dogs, but if you’re one of those types, go for it. The beef weenies I got had no casing (hence no snap, which was a downside), but tasted fresh, pure, and flat out delicious. The bun could have been a little more toasted, or perhaps of higher quality. A Martin’s potato roll never hurts, y’all.

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At this point in time I was thinking Asiadog was just good. It was unique and interesting, but not the greatest taste. It was then when I bit into the Mash. God Bless. How could one know that crumpled potato chips, fancy ketchup, and spicy jalapeno mustard could join forces to create a weenie so fine, and so gracefully elegant? It was as if a Chinese man banged a gong in my mouth, then grabbed two fire hoses that spewed out jalapeno mustard and spicy ketchup and coated my tongue with the sauces, then summoned a majestic dragon of beef to fulfill my carnivorous desires. Yes, I realize that is an absurd simile, but whatever. Go eat the Mash dog at Asiadog. It is phenomenal. Because of this, I raised my rating up a notch. I also plan on going back and trying all of their combinations.

4 weenies

P.S. Red wine and white wine don’t make Rosé, silly. But for now, here’s a few other fusions to think about. Jay Z and Beyonce fornicated and made Blue Ivy. Fusion. An Orange and a Grapefruit rolled into each other on a grassy knoll and made a Tangelo. Fusion. A pig’s intestine was filled with low quality meat and formed a hot dog. Fusion, my friends, fusion.

Cheers

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3 Sheets Saloon

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3 Sheets Saloon is part of a family of bars that is known for attracting 21-24 year-olds for incredibly cheap drinks, beer games, and a college vibe. You’ll notice in the picture above the word “she” is taken out of the name. That’s no coincidence. This bar is always filled with dudes. Dude fest. Sausage fest. What a great place to serve a hot dog! This is an example of an incredible marketing plan and I’m buying into it. Pour me a 3 dollar Bobby Lewis and serve me up a weenie to eat among a bunch of other weenies. This is livin’.

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Above rests the 3 Sheets Dog with a side of tater tots. The mustard was self applied, but the bacon… oh, the bacon, was not. Here we have a bacon wrapped, deep fried, cheese-filled dog. Hopefully you all remember the wonderful Harlem Shake bacon wrapped Sonoran Dog. That was a huge winner, so I was hoping for the same here. Unfortunately this one lacked something just looking at it. It lacked freshness. I’m actually not sure how to describe it, but I can tell you that it just didn’t possess the quality or the craftsmanship that I’d hope. I then remembered where I was and forgot about these silly expectations I had. I was at the college watering hole. “Baby Got Back” still plays over the speakers here hourly. People don’t go here for quality, they go here for quantity. Oh my, was this quantity.

The first taste is the bacon. Cheap, awesome bacon that is somehow stuck to the weenie inside. The next taste is the mustard I chose to apply. (Note the waitress teased me when I asked if they had yellow mustard, she said yes, brought out a yellow container, and inside lay the spicy brown pond scum. Or, “dirty brown water trash.” – Workaholics) Soon after followed the sausage, which had a very smoky flavor to it that I very much enjoyed. Then, a gargantuan influx of melted white cheese. This is the kind of cheese that is so fake you can only call it American; even more fake than my favorite Kraft Singles. This cheese tastes like it could sit on a shelf for 3 years. Now that’s some cheese.

Nothing was incredibly memorable, but it did taste pretty damn good. How could anything be bad if you add fake cheese and bacon to it, though? I mean, it can’t be hard to succeed in the restaurant industry once you know this secret. Anything could be good with this type of treatment. Leo would win an Oscar if he were deep fried, bacon wrapped, and cheese-filled. I guarantee it.

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(I certainly didn’t mind the crisp dill slices to the left either…)

I really enjoyed this hot dog, even though I knew it wasn’t very good. I’d compare this weenie devouring experience to going to a WWE event. You know it’s stupid, you know it’s excessive, but you’re still somehow incredibly amused. You’re surrounded by dudes enjoying a ridiculous experience. In this case, the ridiculous experience was a deep fried, bacon wrapped, cheese filled, 3 Sheets Saloon Dog.

3 weenies

If that didn’t convince you, nothing will.

Cheers

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