Somebody’s gotta do it. That’s right, you didn’t read that wrong, I am reviewing the semi-new Burger King grilled dogs. Quite honestly, I tried to go the week they started serving these classic American delicacies, but the BK Lounge in the east village was unfortunately not open at 3 AM. The store I went to today, however, would have been open late since it is open 24 hours and located in the sphincter of the city at 42nd and 8th Avenue: Port Authority. There was not a single person in the “restaurant” that I would not consider unsightly. I used the double negative with purpose there. Everyone was gross. It was like a cross between the TV shows Mike and Molly and The Walking Dead in there. But somehow I made my way to the “alter of obesity”, a.k.a. the place where you order at Burger King, and ordered some weenies. Hopefully I can walk later. ‘Murica.

Behold: the classic and the chili cheese dog. It’s no wonder that Burger King uses fake food for their promo photos, because these quite frankly look like garbage. The guy who prepared my weenies certainly did not have much enthusiasm, care, or sense of decency as he piled toppings on my “grilled” dog. The relish formed a lake something like the dead sea, and the mustard, while yellow, only got to one side of the dog like a fat kid on a see saw. BK’s choice of classic toppings wasn’t bad, though. I would have left out the onions, but you can’t go wrong with mustard, relish, and ketchup. Oh, I forgot to include the fact that one tip of the classic dog was actually black. Wiz Khalifa probably would have liked this one. Black and yellow, black and yellow.

Pictured to the left, the classic, and the to the right, the chili cheese. If you take a close look at the bottom right corner of the chili cheese you can see the fully nude “grilled” dog. This is where everything falls apart. There is no flavor, the char marks look fake, and some of the inside of the sausage is gray, like salmon after you put it in the microwave. There is no snap, no flavor, and no dignity. It’s one of the most disgusting sausages I’ve ever eaten. The bun isn’t toasted, but it is heated somehow… I think. Never mind, the entire hot dog was lukewarm. This wouldn’t have been a good meal for a stray cat. If I gave this to a homeless man he’d just ask for more crack. I really wanted more out of Burger King. I enjoy their whoppers and fries, but something went horribly wrong here. There was, however, one saving grace. The chili on the chili cheese dog was pretty good. It had some spice, was the warmest part of the sandwich, and even had some hearty beans to toot. (I meant toot, not boot.) If it weren’t for the chili on the chili cheese, this would be the worst dog I have reviewed. However, Burger King thanks you, dearest chili, for you have saved it. Katz’s Delicatessen is still the worst dog in the city. Embarrassing. Meg Ryan is pissed.

1.75 weenies

Ugh. Goo. Ew. Don’t eat them. My stomach has a rubber brick inside of it that was once a hot dog. It’s as if I microwaved an old plunger and dunked it in a pool of old warm relish. If they sold their chili in a can, though… sign me up.

Cheers

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