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The Ukraine is Weak: 4th of July 2017

Posted on by nyweenies

“Do you know what the Ukraine is? It’s a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It’s feeble. I think it’s time to put a hurt on the Ukraine.” – Kramer in Seinfeld. Happy 4th of July everyone. On this special holiday, after almost 2 years of writing about hot dogs, I have decided to take this opportunity to put all of my gumption into verbally abusing a hot dog from another nation. We Americans have thrived off of being unfriendly, loud, fat, and annoying for years (especially in 1776), and I would like to continue this tradition today. A while back, I went to the Ukrainian Village in Manhattan with Mike and had a traditional Ukrainian hot dog. I have been waiting until this day to tell you how awful it was.

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Baczynsky? Sounds like a disease my cousin caught in Korea. It definitely doesn’t sound like someone who knows how to make a weenie. Now, there are 5 distinct issues with the hot dog pictured above. I shall enumerate.

1. The bun, in general. A bun should be one piece of bread, held together. Here, the bun is split clearly up the middle just like Ukraine’s choice of languages. Maybe Russia wants the other half. It also is hard, like a weird piece of ciabatta. Tell me about the last time you wanted a hard weird piece of ciabatta. I didn’t think so.

2. Carrot salad. Am I a rabbit? Am I little bunny foo foo hopping through the forest? No, but I certainly am scooping up the makers of this wiener and boppin’ ’em on the head.

3. Lack of diversity. There is only one topping, it is carrot salad, and there aren’t any other options. In America, we have all sorts of toppings, flavors, ethnic groups, and languages. Ukraine has one: carrot salad, Ukrainian, white people. All the same. Vanilla.

4. The shape of the sausage. No further detail required.

5. The hot dog was not made in America. The hot dog was invented in America, ladies and gentleman. No other country can claim this. Yes, sausages are inherently German, and the Danish have done a great job at making their own style of weenie, but there was a cart in Coney Island that started the whole thing. It’s true, I wrote on homage back in 2015: NHDD 2015 Homage . Don’t try and sneak one past me, Ukraine.

0.01776 weenies. “Murica.

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Joey Chestnut will eat 68 hot dogs today and claim the title of National Hot Dog eating champion for the 10th time in 11 years. Now, go out there, have a wonderful day, and do American things. Crack a craft beer, brewed in the states, grill a weenie, lay back and enjoy yourself. It’s Independence day, so be independent. Freedom isn’t free. America the beautiful, four score and seven years ago, I had a dream, speak softly and carry a big stick, they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our Independence Day! Happy 4th, y’all.

Cheers

P.S. [Disclaimer: The Ukrainian dog was actually pretty decent. If I were being more serious, I’d probably give it a 3-point-something. But, I’m wearing red white and blue right now and feeling very patriotic, so I ask that you kind of just let me have it. Satire, right? Thanks.]

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Nathan’s Cart: Plaza Hotel

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If you can’t cook a good weenie in a cart, you can’t cook a good weenie. Put that cart outside of the Plaza Hotel and you’re putting yourself in the upper echelon of weenie carts. Put a Nathan’s name on it and if you fail, there will be serious consequences. I’m talking about the kind of consequences Nalgene would have faced if I was able to break one of their stupid BPA free plastic bottles. Believe me I tried. The point I’m trying to make is if you put a Nathan’s cart outside of a regal, ornate, some would even say elegant, place like the Plaza, on the southwest corner of Central Park, on the world’s greatest island, Manhattan… it better be pretty damn good.

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Now, weenie fans, take a look at the picture above. At the north and south poles of the sausages pictured, please focus in on the very tip. Just the tip. You may notice that there is a small knobby ending on the sausages. This is an indication of an excellent, real skin hot dog. This is what Nathan’s does, and this is why they’re great. When skin like this exists, the snap exists, and the juiciness follows. Since I just came from the dentist, I decided to get two hot dogs. That’s a rule that I follow, by the way: after the dentist, have two hot dogs. Per the original rules, I went one with pure mustard, and one with whatever I choose. In this case, it was chili and cheese. God bless that combo. The original mustard only dog only offered spicy brown mustard, unfortunately. This often happens in New York, however, so I’m used to it.

I have only two complaints about the Nathan’s cart dogs. The bun wasn’t toasted at all, and the weenie itself was not very hot. I think if the guy didn’t feel rushed with a huge line, he might have cooked it longer, so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Other than that, and perhaps not worrying about how sloppy the chili cheese dog was, something was very correct about these weenies. When I consumed them, it felt like I was doing the right thing. It was almost as if I had done some sort of community service or even given a charitable contribution. If I felt like that every time I ate a hot dog I’d weight 314 pounds, but I’d be pretty happy.

3.5 weenies

By the way, the rule for going to the dentist is that you get to eat two hot dogs after (only one if you have a cavity). If you ever have surgery, or, I’m so sorry if this is you… a colonoscopy… please call me. I’ll tell you what you need to do and how many hot dogs you’re allowed to eat. Bradly Cooper was in a movie of the same title… limitless.

Cheers

Steak ‘n Shake Signature

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People love surprises. There’s a reason that they plan surprise parties, enjoy scary movies, watch sports, gamble, and listen to Donald Trump. In all situations, it’s impossible to predict what comes next. In my case, it was impossible to predict what happened on this brisk fall evening at Steak ‘n Shake. Sorry, Steak ‘n Shake Signature. My experience unfolded in three simple steps.

Step 1: “Weenie Malfunction”

Remember how disappointed you were when you found out that you had to pay taxes? Match that with the disappointment I felt when I went to a very famous establishment in NYC for a weenie and the line was out the door. Terrible. It was time for plan B.

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Step 2: “Go to the bench”

I had to salvage this situation somehow. I pulled out my phone, went to Google Maps, and typed in “hot dog” near location. Up pops Steak ‘n Shake. Steak ‘n Shake was a fast food establishment I went to one time in Cleveland. So, I wasn’t expecting much. In fact, I was expecting very little. So, I decided to go bash it. I haven’t bashed in a while, it could be fun. I became a grunting caveman full of emotion. Bashing, anger, destruction, NYWeenies… must… destroy… Steak ‘n Shake.

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Step 3: “Saint Peter works at Steak ‘n Shake”

Then, like bright light in a coffin of darkness, or like Tinkerbell to Peter Pan… no more anger. Show me those pearly gates!!! This most definitely was a Signature Steak ‘n Shake hot dog. I got the classic footlong and it was phenomenal. It comes in this fancy see through sleeve that when unsheathed, reveals glory. The bun is perfectly toasted. The mustard, remarkably, is yellow. As most readers will know, yellow mustard is liquid gold, and without argument the best mustard ever known to mankind. Finally, the sausage is grilled essentially perfectly. The outer edges exhibit some delicate char. Real, nice, delicate, write-home-to-your-family-about, char. Such char on such a dog, equipped with such a well toasted bun, with such a perfectly placed stripe of yellow mustard? This such equation leads such a weenie to be the king of NYC… right?!

Step 4: “An act of violence”

Nope, they cut my weenie in half. Damn it. I can’t crown a king when they perform vicious acts of violence to multiple weenies every day. That’d be like voting for Pol Pot as Surgeon General. So close, Steak ‘n Shake. Please know that I absolutely loved your hot dog, but I cannot crown you king.

4.49 weenies

It’s a weird number, I know. Whatever, who cares about my ratings anyway? At least I didn’t cut it in half.

Cheers

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Boat Basin Cafe

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Up on the Upper West Side there’s this odd little sinkhole close to the water where twenty-somethings like to drink. If you live on the UWS and have any semblance of fun in the daytime when its nice out, you’ve been here. If you don’t live on the UWS but have a friend who lives on the UWS and you have any semblance of fun in the daytime when its nice out, you’ve been here. Furthermore, if you don’t have any friends at all, no connection to the UWS, prefer Beyonce over Rihanna, but have some semblance of fun when its nice out, you’ve still probably been here. Its called the Boat Basin. They serve buckets of Corona, Narragansetts, and most importantly: hot dogs. Y’all know I’m down to descend to spots of lower elevation for a good weenie.

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Bring on the mudslide of chili. Above sits the second “chili-est” dog I’ve ever eaten. The first was a lovely weenie eaten atop the marble bar top of Old Town Bar. Science doesn’t allow for much for chili than that. George A. Hormel himself would be overwhelmed with the amount of chili on this hot dog. I, however, am a tremendous proponent of chili dogs, so my mouth salivated the second this thing was in sight. In fact, I saw a guy next to me order two of them before I knew the restaurant even served hot dogs. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to order two because this was my 4th meal of the day at my 4th restaurant, so I let off on the gluttony gas pedal a bit.

Now, to elaborate on the dog itself. The bun was a bun, that’s about it. The sausage had a smoky flavor, which I think in part was due to the chili. There was very little snap but I could tell the weenie was of good quality, so I was pleased. I ordered mustard on it, but I couldn’t taste it because I was focusing so much on the best part of this weenie: the chili. It had two types of beans!!! Pintos and kindeys floating around in the same primordial soup is something I dreamed about as a child and drew pictures of in art class. It wasn’t too runny, or too spicy, but it was spicy enough. Once cheese was added to the top it was heaven. I wish there was a bowl on the side so that I could dip any part of the hot dog that was uncovered into it. Stellar.

3.75 weenies

P.S. The pickle was dope, too.

Cheers

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Citi Field

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I’m back. Yes, I took a break from writing. Yes, I was busy, and yes, I am both a goon and a loon for failing to compose poetic soliloquies about hot dogs the last few weeks. However, I answer NO to the question, “Did you stop eating hot dogs?”. Of course not! If one writes about hot dogs, one has a passion for hot dogs, and ipso facto, one devours hot dogs as if it were one’s job. I am the one, friends. I am the one who eats the hot dog. So, without further ado, I present a review of Citi Field’s wondrous weenies. Upon conclusion, I will post a picture of every hot dog consumed on my “break.”

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Overall, Citi Field is super nice. I highly recommend it as a baseball park. However, it doe seem more expensive than others. Even Yankee Stadium is cheaper. That being said, the weenies are Nathan’s brand, and they have a topping section that is superb. Jalapenos are an option, and I did not leave them hanging. Accompanying the Jalapenos were center fielder sauerkraut and first baseman sauteed peppers. What blew my mind about this was that all of these toppings were self serve, and I didn’t think that was gross at all. They run an efficient topping supply chain and I was pretty pumped about it. As expected, there was no yellow mustard, but the spicy brown variety offered was not terrible. The bun was lightly toasted and the hot dog was pretty high quality, but as you’d expect with a ball park hot dog, it was not grilled to perfection. I finished the jalapeno mustard dog and while “watching” the game, could not stop comparing it to the Yankee Stadium dog I reviewed. So, naturally, I went for another.

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Forgive me, friends. I forgot to mention the short stop of the topping lineup: relish. God Bless relish. Eating this second weenie was like that time in high school when Ms. Morrison let us go to the library for our project, but we got Chick-Fil-A instead. I felt a little bad, but it was totally worth it in the end. This is a really good weenie. Yankee Stadium’s was bigger, but Citi Field has a higher quality dog with a more diverse range of toppings. Therefore, I hereby present the weenie crown for the best ball park dog in New York to: Citi Field.

3.25 weenies

Now, I’ll play the poke flute and awaken the Snorlax that is me in order to show you the hot dogs I’ve eaten the last few weeks. I gave them all names, because when you care about something, it’s polite to give it a name. Be polite. Name things.

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Jacinto. (Spanish for Jack) Named for the pepper jack cheese adorning a mustard-glazed weenie.

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Sybil. This guy just couldn’t find his true identity.

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This one already has a name. These are the legendary Cannibal Dogs from The Cannibal, currently the best weenie in Manhattan. Stop what you’re doing and go to this restaurant now. If I had to start a restaurant, it would not be much different from The Cannibal. Amazing.

Cheers

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100 Montaditos

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I feel small when I take a picture from a restaurant’s website (100montaditosny.com) and use it as a banner on my blog. However, I feel huge when I eat small sandwiches that cost a small price. I then feel ever larger, massive in fact, when I find out that one of the sandwich of the 100 that they call Montaditos is the greatest creation of all mankind: a hot dog. I’m not a big Spanish tapas guy, but apparently a Montadito is also Spanish, so Spain just earned some major points in my book. Viva la España! I forgive you for your staunch metrosexuality.

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Things can be good when small. I really like the munchkins from Wizard of Oz, Altoids, and Pugs, so when I saw how small this hot dog was I tried not to worry. #31 on the menu of 100, this is as simple of a sandwich that one man can buy – for one dollar. There is a nicely toasted bun, a kind of small wiener inside of it, and a stripe of both mustard and ketchup on top. 100 Montaditos played it safe, but they played it right. If you’re going to have a hot dog on one of the most diverse sandwich menus I’ve ever seen, stick to the classics. The best part is, they used yellow mustard. The next best part is, this sandwich is a dollar on Wednesdays. Follow that up with two dollar beers, well, I’ll be there every Wednesday. I’m pumped to have a new neighborhood hang out. I’m also pumped that I’ve said all I need to say about this hot dog. A little wiener gets a little amount of words, because I don’t need them. It’s great, and the place is great too. Go forth and enjoy a micro-wiener… or 5.

3.25 weenies 

Cheers

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Danish Dogs

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I saw a list today that named Denmark the happiest country in the world. I think it is no coincidence that the happiest country in the world also happens to serve the most hot dogs per capita of any country in the world. Both are true facts, and both make me want to be a Dane. I could be a Great Dane, which is also the biggest dog in the world. We’re talkin’ about extremes here, people. What else is extreme? $8 hot dogs in Grand Central Terminal are pretty “doggone” extreme. Without a doubt, I will use my extremities to grab a few of these extremely unique extreme danish dogs and have myself a Tuesday. Claus Meyer opened this place opened up two weeks ago, and thanks to some great scouting by staff member Mike, we’re off to the races and puttin’ beets on wieners.

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Pictured above are 4 very unique sausages. I’m reminded of the Copenhagen guys who once gave me weenies for free – Copenhagen Street Dog Winter Championship. In fact, these are so unique, that one is chicken, one pork, one beef, and one beef/pork combo. I went for the two on the right, which happened to be beef/pork and beef. As you can tell, I’m a fan of the cow. I am probably not as big of a fan as the Hindu folks though, because I’ll actually eat it, but you know what I mean. I first was able to experience the dog on the farthest right, named the Gravhund. Gravhund is the danish word for Dachsund, the canine we in America usually call the wiener dog. I’m loving the naming system already. This dog is topped with Beet Remoulade, Lingonberry preserve, pickled onions, and crispy shallots (elegant onions). Yes, this sounds like the menu at your grandmother’s old folks home, but it tastes much better. I was instantly wowed by the sweetness combined with the crispy shallots (elegant onions). This is the most unique dog I’ve ever had, and it was amazing. The bun could have been a little more toasted, but the toppings were great and the sausage homemade with some snap. Très bon.

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The next dog was the Great Dane, the dog I was told would be the best. I must say I was disappointed. The mustard was so spicy that I couldn’t taste anything else and there was no need for ketchup. I liked the pickles and onions, but the mustard was too overpowering. The dog itself was also sort of gooey, and not as good as the Gravhund all-beef sausage. Something wasn’t quite working with it, as there was no snap and it seemed like I was eating the meat out of the intestine like play-doh. Sorry for that image. The bun, again, was underwhelming, dry, and not toasted enough. This is probably my biggest complaint with Danish Dogs. You need new buns. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.

The Gravhund saved the day for Danish Dogs, and kept it at a pretty good rating. It is an amazing wiener that you should go try, but I think Danish Dogs still needs a little work if they want people to pay eight bucks for a dog.

3.5 weenies

P.S. I’m pretty sure you could buy a real dog for 8 bucks from, like, the SPCA or something. For the record, I don’t condone eating real dogs. That’s something that should only exist deep in the annals of history. Do people look at pictures of cute baby cows? No, that’s why we eat them. Save the puppies. Kill the cows.

Cheers

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Westville

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I didn’t expect to be a hot dog blogger, but once I did it was amazing. I also didn’t expect to get a yo-yo for Christmas, but it has been phenomenal. Even the unexpected crazy homeless man who wets himself and yells “Aunt Delilah get the pie!” can add a good chuckle to your day. The oncoming of the unexpected can often be a scary experience that turns out to be positive. When Westville offered “market vegetables” as a side item, I wanted to turn to stone like a gargoyle and hide from the existence that surrounded me. However, after I ordered artichoke hearts nestled in between two different varieties of hot dogs, the unexpected became the unbelievably delicious. I’d vote for “market vegetables” over Donald Trump any day.

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Y’all thought I couldn’t be healthy, but look at that. There’s more nutrients than you can shake a stick at. There are artichoke hearts on the side, pickles on top, and beans in the chili. I feel like I lost 5 pounds already. Regardless of health, because that’s not what I write about, because that shouldn’t be a factor when it comes to rating hot dogs, there are two types of weenies at Westville. There is the Hebrew National and the Niman Ranch “fearless frank”. Obviously I got both. The waiter had no idea what the best way to eat their dogs was, so I opted to leave the chili off of the Niman Ranch wiener to ensure I was able to observe the full breadth of its flavor. As for the Hebrew National, it was doused in chili and cheese. For two high quality dogs and a side, the price is 14 bucks, and the choice of toppings and sides is impressive. While the place is tiny, its very charming and could easily be a date spot. I also saw the other food choices, and everything looks really good, I will definitely be back, but who knows if I will be able to resist the hot dogs.

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Pictured above is the Hebrew National with chili and cheese, adorned with a kosher dill slice. The chili isn’t very spicy, but it is homemade and would look great just about anywhere, on anything or in anything, kind of like Taylor Swift. The cheese is thicker than most hot dog cheese, is slightly melted, and rich in flavor. This is the best cheese I’ve had on any hot dog so far. The bun is literally grilled. There are grill marks. That fact alone earns this place a lot of respect for me. A Hebrew National emerges from inside of it. This is a big beefy boy with a nice smoky flavor that I think is brought out from the way it is grilled. This truly is an old school grilled dog, like Wilt Chamberlain is to basketball or Grandmaster Flash is to hip hop. Kate Moss to modeling? Either way, superb.

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The fearless frank. The beefiest sausage this side of 6th avenue. I think on the Niman Ranch they take the filet mignon, ground it up, and stuff it inside of pig intestines to make hot dogs that they call fearless franks. This is a high quality, organic-y dog that I can get behind. My only complaint, and the only real reason this dog isn’t getting a stellar rating is that it has absolutely no snap. It’s as if there is no casing. I don’t know how they did it. Also, they had a yellow mustard bottle with spicy brown mustard in it. That’s perhaps the worst tease in the game. The only thing worse would involve putting a vegan dog in front of me without telling me. No sin could be worse than that. Luckily, they didn’t do that to me, and I really enjoyed their wieners. Go to Westville.

4 weenies

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Cheers

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Burger King

Posted on by nyweenies

Somebody’s gotta do it. That’s right, you didn’t read that wrong, I am reviewing the semi-new Burger King grilled dogs. Quite honestly, I tried to go the week they started serving these classic American delicacies, but the BK Lounge in the east village was unfortunately not open at 3 AM. The store I went to today, however, would have been open late since it is open 24 hours and located in the sphincter of the city at 42nd and 8th Avenue: Port Authority. There was not a single person in the “restaurant” that I would not consider unsightly. I used the double negative with purpose there. Everyone was gross. It was like a cross between the TV shows Mike and Molly and The Walking Dead in there. But somehow I made my way to the “alter of obesity”, a.k.a. the place where you order at Burger King, and ordered some weenies. Hopefully I can walk later. ‘Murica.

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Behold: the classic and the chili cheese dog. It’s no wonder that Burger King uses fake food for their promo photos, because these quite frankly look like garbage. The guy who prepared my weenies certainly did not have much enthusiasm, care, or sense of decency as he piled toppings on my “grilled” dog. The relish formed a lake something like the dead sea, and the mustard, while yellow, only got to one side of the dog like a fat kid on a see saw. BK’s choice of classic toppings wasn’t bad, though. I would have left out the onions, but you can’t go wrong with mustard, relish, and ketchup. Oh, I forgot to include the fact that one tip of the classic dog was actually black. Wiz Khalifa probably would have liked this one. Black and yellow, black and yellow.

Pictured to the left, the classic, and the to the right, the chili cheese. If you take a close look at the bottom right corner of the chili cheese you can see the fully nude “grilled” dog. This is where everything falls apart. There is no flavor, the char marks look fake, and some of the inside of the sausage is gray, like salmon after you put it in the microwave. There is no snap, no flavor, and no dignity. It’s one of the most disgusting sausages I’ve ever eaten. The bun isn’t toasted, but it is heated somehow… I think. Never mind, the entire hot dog was lukewarm. This wouldn’t have been a good meal for a stray cat. If I gave this to a homeless man he’d just ask for more crack. I really wanted more out of Burger King. I enjoy their whoppers and fries, but something went horribly wrong here. There was, however, one saving grace. The chili on the chili cheese dog was pretty good. It had some spice, was the warmest part of the sandwich, and even had some hearty beans to toot. (I meant toot, not boot.) If it weren’t for the chili on the chili cheese, this would be the worst dog I have reviewed. However, Burger King thanks you, dearest chili, for you have saved it. Katz’s Delicatessen is still the worst dog in the city. Embarrassing. Meg Ryan is pissed.

1.75 weenies

Ugh. Goo. Ew. Don’t eat them. My stomach has a rubber brick inside of it that was once a hot dog. It’s as if I microwaved an old plunger and dunked it in a pool of old warm relish. If they sold their chili in a can, though… sign me up.

Cheers

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Trademark Burger

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The basics. That’s really what livin’ is all about. When something’s not working, we as humans like to go back to the basics and do what we did best for years. Soho went back to the basics last month. They got tired of their tofu vegan fusion with an octopus leg mixed with quinoa and wild herbage con pomegranate fava bean crap, and added Trademark Burger. They serve burgers, dogs, and shakes the American way, no frills, no fancy weird health ingredients. Weenie fans, do you want to know what health is? The dogs are 100% pure grass-fed beef. That’s my health. That’s my fancy. That is my foie gras, and nobody had to force feed a goose, stand in a line of hipsters, or write a food blog to get it. (Oops.)

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It can’t even fit in the bun! The Trademark Dog runs a measly 4 bucks, and comes with ketchup, mustard, and kraut. I found this interesting at first, especially in NYC where the combo is usually just mustard and kraut. Ketchup is an odd addition. But, my friends, here we have something different. The mustard is YELLOW! God Bless America, French’s original yellow mustard is back after a long divorce and happy with it’s original partner, traditional ketchup. Quite honestly, if I had it my way I’d get rid of the kraut, but hey, it’s New York. I have to give major props to the owners/chef of Trademark for using yellow mustard here. It takes courage, and while it may not mean much, I have noticed.

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Now, we must talk about the dog itself. I’m going to go ahead and say it, this is the best quality hot dog I’ve had in Manhattan. First, there is the snap. Far better than the crackle and the pop, this weenie has the snap heard ’round the world with an ability to start wars. Then, there is the flavor. I don’t know what it is about feeding a cow grass, but it makes that cow taste a whole lot better than whatever else it was eating. Beefy juicy excellence oozes from the casing once chomped upon. What I do know is that there is no way I am walking into a cannibal village after eating a bunch of grass. Good lord. The flavor and the snap put together make this a very high quality weenie that I highly recommend.

4.5 weenies

Is this the reigning king?! Did Trademark overtake the Cannibal? Alas, it did not. But it came very close. It would have been nice to have a more toasted bun, or the option of some sort of chili. I know, I don’t like things too fancy, but just a tad more variety could have been nice. The point of this post is that Trademark is an excellent new spot in Soho serving up the basics with perfection. Go there, weenie lovers, and when you do, don’t forget the milkshake. It’ll definitely bring this boy to the yard.

Cheers

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