hot dog | nyweenies

The Bearded Lady: Christmas Eve

Posted on December 24, 2015 by nyweenies

It’s Christmas Eve. Rather than get in the Christmas spirit by listening to Christmas music, baking cookies, and stuffing socks full of useless trinkets, I am choosing to write about a hot dog. The story of this hot dog, in my opinion, truly embodies the spirit of Christmas. It all began on a Saturday morning. I had purchased a Santa suit in preparation to run a 4 mile race called the jingle bell jog, where my plan was to don the suit and attempt to make it across the finish line with my coworkers. Given that I write about a hot dog once a week, y’all know I can’t be in great shape. Well, Saturday morning race day comes along, and I wake up to multiple missed calls and texts. It is 10 minutes to race time and there is no way I make it to Brooklyn on time. Epic fail. Rather than stay in and sulk, however, I make it out to Brooklyn to participate in the post race bar crawl. Part of that bar crawl took place at a bar called the Bearded Lady, which, by some sort of Christmas miracle, served hot dogs. Santa is real, and he presented me with this gift even though I was a bad boy. No coal this time, just a weenie for me. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, indeed.

Behold the Chicago dog. As I’ve mentioned before, Chicago dogs are great, but usually mood weenies. What is a mood weenie? Every once in a while, you get in a strange mood and crave chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, right? Imagine that chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream is a Chicago dog. It’s not your go-to, but when you’re in a weird mood, it’s money. Luckily, given the events of the morning prior, I was in a weird mood, and a Chicago dog called my name. Chicago dogs are essentially gardens on top of sausages. You have your tomatoes, pickles, onions, peppers, and most importantly mustard. My favorite part about the Chicago dog is the way the yellow mustard (always yellow, obviously) interacts with the pickle to form this graceful, harmonious marriage that is most definitely legal everywhere in the US except for Alabama.

Now, remember, we are in Brooklyn, so this is not a traditional Chicago dog. We have here a very thin toasted bun which allows for emphasis on the toppings. The toppings are diced up and covered in black pepper, which is very rare for a Chicago dog. In fact, I’ve never seen this before. It is almost as if there is some form of pico de gallo adorning the sausage. I have to say it works very well. Then, the weenie itself. Let me give a shout out again to the Brooklyn Hot Dog Co, serving up another delicious sausage. They are long, tasty, and of incredible quality. I still long for a little more snap, but definitely some of the best sausages around. This is a very bold weenie, at a very bold place, with very bold cocktails. I highly recommend both the bar and the hot dog they serve. If you’re ever near Prospect Park, this is a great rest stop to shoot some pool and enjoy a cocktail and a dog.

3.5 weenies

Now, in honor of Christmas, a poem. This is a mashup of some of your favorite Christmas hits, entitled “Hot Dogs for Thee”.

“On Dasher, on Dancer, on Schnippers, Papaya

On Comet and Cupid, The Cannibal and Rudy’s

A hot dog comes for thee, oh yum yum yum yum

A king weenie we seek, oh yum yum yum yum

Deck the halls with loads of weenies

Fatty fatty fat, we get so fat

A hot dog comes for thee, oh yum yum yum yum

A king weenie we seek, oh yum yum yum yum”

From the middle of my heart (the bottom makes no sense), thanks for all of the support in 2015. See you in 2016, as there are still many weenies to try! God bless you all and have a wonderful holiday!

Cheers

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Valhalla

Posted on December 16, 2015 by nyweenies

Here we are again ladies and gentleman, another edition of NY Weenies @ Night. This particular night was quite spectacular. So spectacular in fact, that I’ll never forget it. I’m so excited to tell you, but I don’t want to spoil it, so let me walk you through the events of the evening first. Nobody is around. That is, nobody except the Mohanster. We first decide to have a unique dinner at a local hot spot. We then decide to indulge in a cocktail at a more local, less hot spot. It is then when another friend ajvc reminds us via text message that there is a concert that night. A concert? Who could be entertaining enough, talented enough, and epicly awesome enough to warrant paying to see in concert? 5 minutes later we were on our way to gallivanting in the realm of Miley Cyrus.

Proof. Also proof that if you wear a Christie Brinkley style leotard and a moon for an arm people will watch you sing. Also proof that you are a nutjob. So, since this is a hot dog blog, near Terminal 5 in Hell’s Kitchen is a wonderful craft beer bar called Valhalla. This is where we had our nightcap. Luckily for me, they serve hot dogs. If you looked up nightcap in my dictionary the definition would be: “1. A relaxing time enjoying a craft beer and a hot dog after a Miley Cyrus concert”. OK, maybe it wouldn’t have the Miley part, but we can get past that. The dogs here come with nothing on them – basic. But, in a sense, “basic”ally whatever you want on them. The friendly gentleman behind the counter suggested sauerkraut. I reluctantly agreed. Then, like Obi Wan, I waved my finger and said “this is not the kraut you’re looking for”, and they put it on the side. Sweet.

There was no yellow mustard, but I slapped on some spicy brown and gave it a whirl. The quality of the sausage was good, it had a minor snap and very good flavor. It was also well prepared, as you can see by the grill marks. This place certainly doesn’t specialize in hot dogs, they specialize in beer, so I’m not going to knock them for having a lack of topping options or yellow mustard. I will knock them on the bun, though. You can almost see in the picture that it is quite airy. I don’t know about you, but when I say airy out loud I get a nostril-flared, sour look on my face and I feel acid climb up up my esophagus. Too much? No, the bun was just no good. They tried to toast it but it made it crusty. Crusty, now there’s another bad word. Don’t even get me started. The bun was crusty and airy. Crusty and airy and bland. Crusty and airy and bland, oh my! (Disclaimer: watch the Wizard of Oz to get that one.)

Quite honestly, I felt like I was eating a backyard dog grilled over the 4th of July with a slightly stale bun. As a fan of hot dogs, I’m never going to complain about that. Then I had a delicious local IPA to my right?! You kiddin’ me?

3 weenies

Valhalla is a great little bar for a great big beer. I highly recommend it. Their weenies are pretty good too. Until next time, knuckleheads.

Cheers

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The Rusty Knot

Posted on December 7, 2015 by nyweenies

This review took me to the annals of the west village, on the water where the Pirates gather to discuss their recently discovered booty. I was nautically inspired, and drank a Montauk ale among the seamen. Ahoy, indeed, mates. Then, I realized two very important things. First, that it is very easy to make crude pirate jokes. Second, that a knot physically cannot rust. A knot is usually made of rope, which is not a metal, meaning that it cannot oxidize. Without oxidation, there can be no rust. Similarly, without a good bun, there can be no good hot dog. Enter the Rusty Knot and the pretzel dog.

When I read about the pretzel dog I was very excited. Pretzels are generally quite good, and pretzel dough is fat and excellent. Hot dogs are obviously also fat and excellent, so when you mix two fat and excellent things you get a double fat and excellent sandwich. Salt is also a great component of a pretzel which could go well with the savory hot dog flavor. However, the end result of this creation was not how it was supposed to be.

The number one rule of wrapping a pretzel around a hot dog is to ensure that the pretzel is soft. This pretzel was crunchy on the outside, like a stale popcorn shrimp. Even worse, think of a hunk of cheese that sat out overnight and you accidentally bit into it without realizing it. That’s some next level imagery. The number two rule of wrapping a pretzel around a hot dog is to keep it on the hot dog. This one fell off and moved like a hybrid slinky-accordion. If I put this on the top if the stairs, it would gracefully slink down the stairs to the tune of “Play that Funky Music White Boy” because apparently that is a song that is commonly played on the accordion. Then, the hot dog itself wasn’t cooked enough and had nary a snap. As Boomer says on Monday Night… c’mon man. Overall, the pretzel idea was poorly executed.

In the above artsy, tiled, picture gallery contraption you can see the accordion figure of the pretzel a little better. You can also see a few positive things. You can order a pickle for 2 bucks. That’s phenomenal. There is guacamole in play. Stellar. Then, there is yellow mustard dipping sauce. This is the only thing that saved this dog from being absolutely demolished in the ratings.

1 weenie

Quite honestly I feel bad that this is the lowest dog ranked yet. I enjoyed the bar and the experience overall. I even took this guy I met on the street from Arkansas there because I thought it would be good. I would go to the bar again for certain. They have a pool table, and a campy nautical vibe that is very appealing. There’s a real fish tank! Regardless, (and not irregardless, that’s not a word so stop saying it America), it wasn’t a good hot dog and that’s just a fact.

Cheers

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Humboldt & Jackson

Posted on November 30, 2015 by nyweenies

Well, I found myself in Brooklyn again. This time was far enough away that I caught people giving me funny glances as I walked around the streets. While it is in Williamsburg, it is definitely in the back of Williamsburg. Back here is where the Wicked Witch of the West summers. The rat from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has a place here. Have you seen PeeWee’s Big Adventure? This is where Large Marge lives. However, nestled within this barrio is a little taquito of holiness called Humboldt and Jackson, serving up excellent All-American drinks and snacks. It’s crafty.

Before I get into the deliciousness that is pictured above, let me start out by saying that these guys serve something called “beer cheese fondue”. I cannot name a single time in life where if that was on the menu I wouldn’t order it. It was amazing, and I highly recommend it. Beer is good, cheese is good, and fondue is fun to say in a french accent with a beret on. Beer cheese fondue is a fantastic invention. (Maybe they should put some of it on a hot dog.)

Now, the weenie itself. The Chili Verde Dog. H&J is all about small market beers, and they keep constant with that theme in their hot dogs. The weenie itself is from Brooklyn Hot Dog Co., a local sausage maker. If I knew that was a profession that I could tell a guidance counselor in elementary school, it would have been on the top of my list. Not only is it local, it tastes damn good. Note to self, I need to visit the weenie factory soon. Then, laid gracefully on top of the dog is the chili verde. This is certainly a first for me, and a pretty unique, hipster-y topping. I am definitely a fan of it, but I’m not so sure it should be on a hot dog. If you’ve ever eaten flautas, this hot dog is essentially flautas plus a sausage. There are some mexican soft cheeses and diced onions on top as well that help cut the spice of the chili verde. The bun is toasted with care, and they even stuck a little American flag in it. How perfect is that?

Obviously I enjoyed it. The weenie in general was kind of like that kid that you stay friends with only because he is interesting. You don’t want to hang out with him all the time, but every once in a while he provides a little spark to your drab, meaningless, mundane existence. Pop some chili verde on that bad boy and that’s the personality you’ll get in the dog. Good, but not great. Mexican, but American. Sauce, but not salsa. Ornate, not elegant.

3.5 weenies

I would also like to point out that I did not plan on coming to this establishment, nor did I know they had hot dogs. I was more than pleasantly surprised with the place in general and the fact that they had a gourmet hot dog on the menu. They specialize in beer and wine pairings and everything that they serve was really good. Go there.

On a more serious note, what has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper…

Cheers

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Harlem Shake

Posted on November 16, 2015 by nyweenies

How does one make something better? This is a question that has been asked since the invention of the wheel, the cotton gin, and sliced bread. Improvements to the already existent are what have driven the advancement of mankind. Plato, Aristotle, Galileo, Da Vinci, Edison, Jack Black, and more have wandered down the path of enlightenment for us before. But have we as a society become stagnant? Has our ability to improve, innovate, and invent gone by the wayside? I think not, my friends. Because, in Harlem, there is a hot dog that is bacon wrapped, deep fried, and topped with cherry relish. Thank you, Harlem Shake. My faith in humanity is restored.

On 124th st, off of the 2-3 train stop in Harlem, sits this diner style restaurant that is a homage to Harlem history and culture. They serve shakes (obviously), burgers, fries, hot dogs, and Cheerwine. For those that don’t know about Cheerwine, it is the greatest soft drink ever invented. Go south and you’ll find them everywhere, so it is very refreshing (no pun intended) to see one in NYC. On the walls of the diner are signed pictures of Harlem celebrities, Harlem mementos, and an old school back-lit menu like something from the movie Grease. The music is funky, upbeat, and there to preserve the mood. But, most importantly, when I asked about their best dog, I got the right answer.

The Sonoran Dog. Bacon wrapped, deep fried, topped with cherry and pickle relish and a spicy chipotle sauce. Even better, a well toasted Martin’s potato roll is the chassis for this well-oiled machine. At first, I was hesitant on the deep-fried portion of this frank. Luckily, they didn’t add any breading, so it wasn’t too heavy. In fact, it just added a layer of crispiness that essentially enhanced the already existent snap. The quality of the sausage was on point (credit to Boar’s Head), and you’d have to be a fool to complain about bacon wrapped around your weenie. The mixture of the relish and the sauce then basically escorted you through St. Peter’s gate into hot dog heaven. Go eat the Sonoran dog, it is one of the best in NYC hands down.

Accompanying the Sonoran was the Jerk. This guy is adorned with Jamaican Jerk coleslaw, creole sauce, and pork rinds. While very good, I basically don’t want to talk about it because the Sonoran completely overshadowed it with its prowess. Then, because we could, Mike and I split a Snoop Dog. That’s right, a Snoop Dog. Sippin’ on weenies and cheese.

Simple, yet elegant. I’m on a cheese streak lately. This dog had much more cheese on it than the Shake Shack Shack-Meister, and did the whole cheese thing even better. The cheese topping was like an entire pack of 24 Kraft singles melted and condensed, blessed by the Pope, and poured over the dog. Fantastic dessert.

4.5 weenies

Go to Harlem, eat a Sonoran Dog at Harlem Shake. Go to a jazz club (I recommend Minton’s), and have yourself a night about it. I sure did.

P.S. This is the best Harlem Shake I’ve ever seen. The Banana Shake: Banana Shake

Cheers

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Shake Shack

Posted on November 9, 2015 by nyweenies

There are two things in life that I have dreamt about, yet hadn’t done before this review. They are: eat cake by the ocean, and eat at Shake Shack. One of these has been accomplished in the last 24 hours. Unfortunately, no, I did not eat cake by the ocean (sorry Joe Jonas). I am very happy, however, that my first time at Shake Shack I was there to eat a hot dog and not a burger. I’m also very happy that everything about Shake Shack was better than expected. I went in thinking I was going to have a touristy, commercial, type of vibe. In the restaurant, everything changed. I came out stuffed, with both a cheese stain and a mustard stain on my shirt. That, my friends, is how life should be.

The Shack-Meister. That is exactly what a hot dog should be called, because I want my sausage to sound like my college frat buddy who partied the hardest. Ooooh, the Shack-meister, look at him gooo, chug a beer, he’s the Shack-meister. Besides its already epic name, it apparently is the most popular dog on the menu and according to the man behind the counter “made them famous”. This is a very unique dog. It’s the first I’ve reviewed that is split open. It is also the first I’ve reviewed with fried shallots (elegant onions). But, most importantly, it is the first I’ve reviewed with cheese. Poured in the crevasse of the weenie is a delicious cheese that tastes like 7 Kraft singles melted and condensed like Campbell’s soup. It is glorious. For some reason it reminds me of molten steel being poured in the forges of the industrial age. I’m basically Andrew Carnegie building America one weenie at a time, pouring my molten steel on wieners across the nation.

The bun is of the potato variety. It’s dense and yellow, well toasted, and compliments the rich flavors of the toppings well. The sausage is maybe my least favorite part of the dog. There is no char, no snap, and the split open presentation helps with the cheese, but takes away from overall enjoyment. It does have a nice smoky flavor, however, which works well with everything else. The crispy fried scallions (elegant onions) add a nice crunch and appearance. Every element of the hot dog compliments each other in a different way, combining for a delightfully rich and savory experience. This dog is not to be laughed at. Don’t mess with the Shack-Meister, he’ll steal your girlfriend.

4 weenies

Oh my goodness I totally forgot. Shake Shack has yellow mustard everywhere. It’s on tap, it’s in packets, it’s underneath the chairs, and it oozes from the light fixtures. Y’all know how I feel about my yellow mustard. It is incredibly refreshing and completely correct that spicy brown is not in the entire restaurant. Thank you, Shake Shack, may the tides forever be in your favor.

Cheers

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Bill’s Bar & Burger

Posted on November 2, 2015 by nyweenies

Sometimes, after looking at a bunch of Picasso sculptures, you get a hankering for a weenie. It happens to me all of the time. For example, on Sunday, the cubism really got to me and I just had a craving for a fat juicy sausage. I was very much a tourist that day. After cruising around in the MoMa, I dilly-dallied on over to Rockefeller Center and watched some guys try way too hard to impress their dates by trying to ice skate. I was feeling way too cute and traditional. Then, like the star of Bethlehem, Bill’s Bar and Burger appeared on the horizon. Today, for this young man, it would be Bill’s Bar and Hot Dog.

There were 4 dogs on the menu. New York, Chili Cheese, Chicago, and Corn Dogs were the options. I asked the young gentle-dude what the best weenie was, and got a literal LOL reply, “I like them plain with ketchup.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the only time it is OK to eat a ketchup hot dog is if you’re under 12. So, I may have to contact a lawyer and see about Bill’s Bar and Burger’s child labor situation. I then had to press the waiter and rephrase by asking for the most popular weenie, since his judgment was so terrible. I ended up with the Chicago Dog. I was very pleased with this, as it had been a while since I had one. The last I remember was Frankie’s On the Go back in July, and it was pretty underwhelming. A Chicago Dog is typically mustard, onions, tomatoes, pickles, and peppers. It’s like a little salad on a dog. I’m not a salad guy (who would have guessed, a guy who writes about hot dogs doesn’t like salads), but I love a good Chicago dog. Upon receipt of the sausage, the first thing I noticed was the bun. Big dog in a little bun. (Sung to the tune of “fat guy in a little coat”). The hot dog isn’t even that big! Honey, I shrunk your bun.

The little bun wasn’t too big of a problem, though. The picture above highlights the best part of Bill’s Bar and Burger’s weenie: the actual sausage. It’s a Hatfield’s all beef bad boy. I highly recommend. They probably could have cooked it a little more, but this was like a Maserati among Hyundais. An albatross among finches. Well done Hatfield’s. The pickle was sliced, which is against my preference, but the mustard was classic French’s yellow and it made me feel alive again. The peppers had a nice spice to them, but maybe were a little too much, or too acidic. Lord knows I have heartburn problems already, I certainly don’t need more of that. In all honesty I really enjoyed the hot dog itself. Plus, at Bill’s, you can order a “Cold Ass Beer”. It is literally the brand of a beer. I don’t care who you are, that’s fun.

3.5 weenies

I’d like you all to leave this review thinking that you should go to Bill’s Bar and Burger. It is definitely a great place to grab a simple meal. Plus, it’s in the Rockefeller Center, so when your parents come in and want to see the tree, you can drag them in to get a burger or a weenie and not even feel bad about it. Then, you can watch a bunch of people fall in the ice skating rink. Then, you can go see the Rockettes. Is it Christmas yet? Smart marketing, Bill’s. Smart.

Cheers

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Ditch Plains

Posted on October 26, 2015 by nyweenies

At one point in our lives we were all children. At that same point in our lives we all loved Macaroni and Cheese. Well, I am still at that point in my life, and let me tell you… I’ve got the blues. Kraft Mac-a-roni and Cheeeese. I love Mac n’ Cheese! If you don’t, I question your existence as a human being. The only excuse you may have is lactose intolerance. Even then, fight through and attack the mac. Squeeze the cheese. Put your nose in the elbows. Feel the steam from the cream. Be daft with the Kraft. Eat yo’ Mac n’ Cheese, y’all. It’s pretty simple. Even better, put it on a hot dog. Luckily, the folks at Ditch Plains accomplished just that.

Yes, that is real. The Ditch Dog at Ditch Plains. This is a great spot. Located in the West Village, it has a very chill vibe, plenty of good beers on tap, and some great menu options that are pretty affordable. They also have a nice selection of hot dogs, which is obviously what I got excited about. Without much hesitation, the bartender referred me to the Ditch Dog because that is what “put them on the map.” This dude was right on the money. When it came out to the bar, the image in front of me was something that could rival a Picasso. However, I must warn, if for any reason you don’t like Mac n’ Cheese (as previously stated you would be a moron if this was true), steer clear of this dog. Also, if the frank were plain, I’m not sure how great it would have been. The hot dog itself is a little scrawny and without snap. That is my only criticism. The mac is so creamy and delicious, and almost everything you taste in every bite is the Mac. It’s honestly just a very creative way to serve Macaroni and Cheese, and I’m completely OK with that. Two great things should be paired with each other to make even greater things. It’s a fact of life. For example: Sonny and Cher, Penn and Teller, Shaq and Kobe, or even reading the newspaper and sitting on the toilet. Why have one when you can have both? Mac n’ Cheese and hot dogs.

Go eat it now. I had to leave another picture to remind you. It’s just too good to leave out. I highly recommend this dog, and was close to giving it the highest rating so far, but I think I was getting emotional or something. I was thinking about Matilda, and my childhood, and the happiness that came with it. Must. Use. Logic. Epic weenie.

4 weenies.

P.S. My thoughts about this recent “meat causes cancer” crap: what doesn’t cause cancer?! Phones, cardboard, satellites, carcinogens, plastic, air, deodorant, and now processed meat?! Give me a break. Apparently processed meat increases your chance of getting cancer by 17%. Most illogical, media guzzling Americans see that number and assume their chance of getting cancer is immediately 17% after they eat one piece of beef. Knock, knock, pudding heads, that 17% means that the 3 or 4 percent chance you already had of getting cancer is now 3.2 or 4.2 percent. Not a big deal. Eat your meat. Science is OK with it. I promise. If you’re going to get cancer it is probably from something else, such as living in this already cancer-prone world. Carcinogens might cause cancer too, a recent study suggested. Long live the meats.

P.P.S. “Load the grill with fatty meats. Put ’em on a bun, and eat eat eat.” – Sinbad

Cheers

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Deli & Dogz

Posted on October 19, 2015 by nyweenies

Any real New Yorker knows that Midtown isn’t a very desirable place. You have to merge into the flow of humans like you’re on I-95, there’s homeless people at every corner, euro tourists with strange fashion sense, American tourists with even stranger fashion sense, etc. etc. There certainly aren’t many great restaurants in Midtown, but since there is such high demand for a quick lunch, there are a lot of decent cheap eats. One of my favorite types of cheap eats are the quintessential food trucks. Fridays on 46th street bring in at least 5 food trucks, one of which serendipitously served hot dogs. So, I left the office with the Stable crew, put my blinker on, merged on to fifth avenue, passed a gallery of talented Asian tourist photographers, and found my way to the first food truck I’ve ever reviewed.

What is that? What is that green stuff on the weenie? Ladies and Gentleman, let me introduce you to relish. I can’t believe this is my 13th post and this is the first time I’ve had relish on a hot dog. Relish is one of the best condiments to ever be placed on a dog. It’s the only condiment for which the following sentence is gramatically correct: I have a relish for relish. It’s a classic that I fear may be fizzling out. Kind of like pogo sticks – what happened to those?! They’re amazing, just like relish. Sweet, yet tangy, juicy, yet smooth, relish is a wonderful compliment to mustard. Relish. Say yes to the dress…ing.

Now for the sausage itself. This was a fat boy. I’m reminded of Big Nick’s, which I recently reviewed, but this one is juicier. It is literally too big for the bun. That bun can’t feel good about itself. I am willing to look past this obviously unhealthy relationship and just think about taste. The dog itself has a kind of unique smoky flavor that I definitely liked, but it was almost too meaty. There was no snap, and it didnt seem too fresh. The bun was pretty good, but not great. It reminds me of that friend you have that you only invite to big events, but you never really just hang out. He or she doesn’t leave a lasting impression, but you say “oh, it was good to see _______”. They get picked somewhere in the middle in backyard football. For 3 dollars this was also a bargain. You would be straight silly to not spend three George Washingtons for this hot dog.

I also was able to eat my first knish from this place. I know it’s off topic, but those things are pretty awesome. They are just a fat fried Jewish hunk of potatoes. (No, I’m not talking about Eli…) Anyway, the staff at the food truck were great and they definitely specialize in pastrami, which we were allowed to taste, which was very good. Overall, I enjoyed the hot dog and was happy to see that relish was a featured condiment. This to me was like seeing Eddie Murphy being funny again. I was elated. I would definitely return. Thanks Deli and Dogz.

3 weenies.

My favorite moment of this lunch was when I looked down at the last bite of my hot dog and it was sitting vertically, with a small piece of bun and relish sticking off the side of the sausage. I couldn’t help but think that it looked a lot like Donald Duck. I’ll leave you with that.

Cheers

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Big Nick’s Burger Joint and Pizza Joint Too

Posted on October 12, 2015 by nyweenies

The unexpected is never expected. Some of life’s best, worst, and certainly most impactful moments are unexpected. Unexpected can be happy, or it can be sad, but at the end of the day without unexpected moments life would be boring and crappy. This would mean no lottery winners, no news, no pearl harbor, no Lenny Kravitz ding-a-lings, no Janet Jackson nipple rings, and worst of all, no impromptu hot dog reviews. A google search of “where to eat hot dogs on the upper west side” took us to “Big Nick’s Burger Joint and Pizza Joint Too”, featuring “Giant Hot Dogs.” “Let’s go”, I declared.

Oh Big Nick, what big weenies you have! Look at all of those giant hot dogs. Walking into this place nobody in their right mind would imagine they would have a hot dog selection on their menu such as this. You can even make it deluxe, like it is some sort of a cheeseburger. I asked what their best dog was, as per usual, and the response was, “with cheese.” Obviously adding chili is never a bad option, so the cheese and chili melt was the obvious choice for this old boy. The environment here was very old school, local, and rooted in tradition. This would be a great late night stop in for a college student, but also a perfect early lunch spot for a retiree. There is nothing impressive, but I feel at home. Remember Grandma’s house growing up? It was kind of old, run down, and filled with a bunch of unnecessary things, but you liked it because Grandma cooked for you and let you stay up late? This is how I felt at Big Nick’s.

There is the dog itself. The Giant Hot Dog Melt. This is certainly a fat boy. At first glance, it reminds me of the quarter pound big bit at 7-11. A classic growing up for me, I began to feel even more at home. Unfortunately I didn’t see any French’s yellow mustard around, so I chose not to apply any mustard at all and eat as is. This is rare, but I felt it acceptable to allow the cheese to do some talking. Speak up, cheese! I’d like to take a moment and really let the cheese on this dog sink in – melt in your mind. Look at it. The cheese on this dog is a Kraft single. What?! At first, I though this was one of the most poor displays of culinary artistry I had ever seen. But no, the unexpected is never expected. The slice of cheese underneath the dog was the best part of the whole thing. I highly recommend it. It makes sense for Big Nick’s, too. They are a burger place first. Why not take some of the burger cheese and slap it on a dog? Epic creativity.

Now, I can’t make them sound too great because the dog itself was kind of dry, especially for being so fat, and the bun wasn’t hot, but was still somehow toasted. Furthermore, I got it deluxe simply because it sounded interesting, and the dog came with a big leaf of lettuce and two tomatoes on the side, like I was a rabbit. It made no sense. Stop it Big Nick. Don’t do that again. The chili wasn’t the best either, it lacked any sort of spice and started to look fecal after sitting in the open air for a few minutes. My personal goal in life is to avoid looking fecal at all costs.

3 weenies.

The Kraft single underneath the hot dog was revolutionary, creative, and downright titillating. However, it wasn’t a complete package. It’s a pretty decent spot overall, but if you don’t make it there, it would be expected.

Cheers

P.S. Is this a good new name? “Big Nick’s Burger Joint and Pizza Joint and Hot Dog Joint Also.” I’d consider it. Give the people what they want.

P.P.S. I have a map now! Check out where I’ve eaten all my weenies geography style: Map on BobbyPin

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	The Cannibal: Part D… on The Cannibal
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